by Jack Bragen
Once, violence toward me was a normal fact of life. In my youth, I was seen as smaller, thus an easy target. At 60, I don’t stand out any longer as a person toward whom to be violent, but this attitude of total disrespect of a major, fundamental boundary still affects me. Yet, I need to say two things about normalizing violence. My neighborhood in Martinez normalized violence toward others in general, and this is wrong. Secondly, Donald Trump normalizes violence in his rhetoric, which has no place within the U.S. Yet that’s really how it is. And this needs to change. The human species will not survive if we continue allowing this normalization of violence.
The bully’s biggest weapon is the fear of his intended victim. Bullies often come off as sarcastic, disrespectful and disingenuous. In most cases, I knuckled under because I was unsuccessful at defending myself—but only up to a point.
However, when bullies went too far, I fought back. In my 20s, I was in an all-out fistfight where I suffered permanent injuries that no one knew about until my head was X-rayed decades later.
Though that incident wasn’t the most life-threatening thing I’ve experienced, it was a clear example of men using violence and criminality as tactics for dominance.
I believed that I was brave when I had to defend family members and friends against bullies. Not so much when the only person I needed to defend was myself. There really isn’t any shame in being pushed around—but it’s no great virtue either.
Bullies usually won’t start out with overt threats, but they need to instill fear in others by projecting certain vibes or adopting certain mannerisms. If you are not displaying proper fear, there are a few ways things could go.
When it is apparent that you are standing up, the bully might go ballistic and knock your block off. The other possibility is they’ll back down. But those who bully as a staple to their lives, whether in terms of income, emotional survival, or a goal of dominance, are another matter entirely.
When you’re speaking of a strong-arm dictator, fascist or a Nazi, the level of fear is beyond anything that remotely resembles “business as usual.” Innocent bystanders’ mentalities usually include covering your behind and the behinds of your loved ones by getting out of that situation ASAP. The other choice is to stay and to go along with it. But by staying and participating, even if only done out of fear, is a form of complicity.
When too much fear is present, the door opens for abuse. Caution is fine, but if one is too passive, they can become a human doormat. At some point, it’s important to stand up and draw a line. Human beings have limits in how much abuse they will tolerate. This could produce bravery or rage.
Human violence has many possible causes in addition to deriving pleasure from bullying. Another that springs to mind is the mind itself. Once in my therapy group, an old man who suffered a stroke repeatedly tried to attack me. I quit the group.
Learning by example is another cause. Parents who have been physically abusive to their offspring can often pass down abusive tendencies, creating a ticking time bomb. Even if not directly abusive, enjoying harm towards others can teach their children the wrong lesson.
There are many forms of violence. Social violence comprises a broad spectrum of interpersonal maltreatment—many behaviors fall into such a category. Snobbery is one of them. Put downs are another form. I know some people whose families are loaded with money, education and professionalism. They’ll flaunt their highfalutin success in the face of a less fortunate person presumably for the thrill of feeling better.
The current president has amazing powers of persuasion, especially at compelling others to concede who might otherwise openly disagree. He manages to control things by virtue of being in control; it is self-perpetuating. For Trump, reputation is everything. But he seems to be misusing this power, and he is dismantling a lot of good that has made the U.S. government seem empathic. It will take a generation for the U.S. to recover, if at all.
When confronted by bullies in power of some kind, especially those prone to aggression, we must not draw attention to ourselves. Those who draw attention will doubtless be in leadership positions and will have bodyguards. Or they might be in a grassroots group or movement and able to defend each other.
Physical violence normally doesn’t go unanswered. But when entire countries are bullying their own citizens or other countries, it is far more difficult to stop.
Years after suffering bullying and violence compelled me to stand up for myself, no matter the risk. There’ve been times that a bigger, stronger, tough guy could have demolished my body. But I’ve had to preserve something more.
At some point, everyone, including career bullies and their victims, must look in the mirror—and reflect on how they act.
Jack Bragen is an East Bay-based, independently published author whose books are available on lulu.com
